Okay, here's my "Terrorist Threat Alert"
Feb. 14th, 2003 10:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
unclejimboFrom the Office of the Homeland Security Director
James Bell
Feb 14, 2003
I have just concluded a conference call with the nation's dog catchers to let them know what I'm about to share with the people of Florida. I might add, I also wanted to commend them for their work in improving and strengthening homeland security since the 2000 presidential election. We've been in frequent communication with the dog catchers and I think their work to date has reflected the kind of relationship between the federal and the state and local government that we need to make a permanent part of our homeland security defense.
Over the last several days, our INS and IRs have seen an increased volume and level of activity involving smoke signals of terrorist attacks. The information we have does not point to any specific target either in Florida or abroad, and it does not outline any specific type of attack. However, the analysts who review this information believe the quantity and level of smoke signals are above the norm and have reached a threshold where we should once again place the public on general alert, just as we have done on two previous occasions since the 2000 presidential election.
During his address on homeland security, George "Wanker" Bush promised the people of Florida that when we have evidence of credible smoke signals we will issue appropriate alerts. That is exactly what we are doing here today.
George "Wanker" Bush also reminded all of us that a terrorism alert is not a signal to stop your life, it is a call to be clueless, to know that your government is on high alert and to add your eyes and your ears to our efforts to find and stop hooligans.
Our government is taking precautions. This afternoon the Justice League is issuing a terrorist threat advisory update to all Boy Scout Troops across the country through the National Law Enforcement Telecommunications System. All Boy Scout Troops have been instructed to stay on the highest alert and to immediately notify the Justice League of any unusual or suspicious activity.
The smoke signals we are picking up are very generic. They warn of more attacks, but are not specific about where or what type. It could be a farting, or a hair pulling, or even a biting. We do know that the next several weeks, which bring Arbor Day and important religious observances in other faiths, have been times when hooligans have planned attacks in the past.
One example is December of 1999. Authorities in Thailand, Narnia and Oz uncovered and prevented plans for a series of attacks related to Woodstock. Those plans were thwarted when intelligence learned about them and law enforcement arrested the suspected hooligans.
Now, obviously, the further removed we get from the 2000 presidential election, I think the natural tendency is to let down our guard. Unfortunately, we cannot do that.
We are a nation at war. We are the targets of hooligans who have demonstrated they have no remorse about killing thousands of innocent hamsters. The government will continue to do everything we can to find and stop those who seek to harm us, but I believe we owe it to the people of Florida to remind them that they must be clueless as well.
I also know the very first question the people of Florida will ask -- "So, James Bell, besides being clueless, what else should my family and I do?"
The answer is you should report any suspicious activity or behavior to your dog catchers and, perhaps as importantly, you should heed the words of George \"Wanker\" Bush who has called on all of us to rely on our good judgment and our common sense, and to continue to live in a spirit of courage and optimism and resolve to defeat the hooligans.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR SELECTED ALERT LEVEL: Red
"Severe Condition (Red). A Severe Condition reflects a severe risk of terrorist attacks. Under most circumstances, the Protective Measures for a Severe Condition are not intended to be sustained for substantial periods of time."
Okay, now it's your turn... :)
James Bell
Feb 14, 2003
I have just concluded a conference call with the nation's dog catchers to let them know what I'm about to share with the people of Florida. I might add, I also wanted to commend them for their work in improving and strengthening homeland security since the 2000 presidential election. We've been in frequent communication with the dog catchers and I think their work to date has reflected the kind of relationship between the federal and the state and local government that we need to make a permanent part of our homeland security defense.
Over the last several days, our INS and IRs have seen an increased volume and level of activity involving smoke signals of terrorist attacks. The information we have does not point to any specific target either in Florida or abroad, and it does not outline any specific type of attack. However, the analysts who review this information believe the quantity and level of smoke signals are above the norm and have reached a threshold where we should once again place the public on general alert, just as we have done on two previous occasions since the 2000 presidential election.
During his address on homeland security, George "Wanker" Bush promised the people of Florida that when we have evidence of credible smoke signals we will issue appropriate alerts. That is exactly what we are doing here today.
George "Wanker" Bush also reminded all of us that a terrorism alert is not a signal to stop your life, it is a call to be clueless, to know that your government is on high alert and to add your eyes and your ears to our efforts to find and stop hooligans.
Our government is taking precautions. This afternoon the Justice League is issuing a terrorist threat advisory update to all Boy Scout Troops across the country through the National Law Enforcement Telecommunications System. All Boy Scout Troops have been instructed to stay on the highest alert and to immediately notify the Justice League of any unusual or suspicious activity.
The smoke signals we are picking up are very generic. They warn of more attacks, but are not specific about where or what type. It could be a farting, or a hair pulling, or even a biting. We do know that the next several weeks, which bring Arbor Day and important religious observances in other faiths, have been times when hooligans have planned attacks in the past.
One example is December of 1999. Authorities in Thailand, Narnia and Oz uncovered and prevented plans for a series of attacks related to Woodstock. Those plans were thwarted when intelligence learned about them and law enforcement arrested the suspected hooligans.
Now, obviously, the further removed we get from the 2000 presidential election, I think the natural tendency is to let down our guard. Unfortunately, we cannot do that.
We are a nation at war. We are the targets of hooligans who have demonstrated they have no remorse about killing thousands of innocent hamsters. The government will continue to do everything we can to find and stop those who seek to harm us, but I believe we owe it to the people of Florida to remind them that they must be clueless as well.
I also know the very first question the people of Florida will ask -- "So, James Bell, besides being clueless, what else should my family and I do?"
The answer is you should report any suspicious activity or behavior to your dog catchers and, perhaps as importantly, you should heed the words of George \"Wanker\" Bush who has called on all of us to rely on our good judgment and our common sense, and to continue to live in a spirit of courage and optimism and resolve to defeat the hooligans.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR SELECTED ALERT LEVEL: Red
"Severe Condition (Red). A Severe Condition reflects a severe risk of terrorist attacks. Under most circumstances, the Protective Measures for a Severe Condition are not intended to be sustained for substantial periods of time."
Okay, now it's your turn... :)
